Welcome to PSU.com's hit series on the world of gaming. Join our hosts Skip Williams and Max Platinum as they give you the inside scoop on a myriad of topics in gaming. From how to catapult up the Trophy rankings to debating about the current console war, don't change that channel as there might even be some broken tables, because the debates get so hardcore!
Disclaimer: All likenesses used are for parody and/or satirical purposes.
Attorney: Please say your name and occupation for the court.
Max: Max Platinum, host extroidenaire.
Attorney: Your real name.
Max: That is my real name.
Attorney: Your parent`s actually named you Max Platinum? Did they feel 16 Carrot Gold was too common?
Max: Hey, don`t be mean Mr. Attorney, I`m not making fun of your name. I`m much more than just a name, I have feelings behind this body of sculpted steel, you know.
Attorney: Yes, let us talk about these feelings. Isn`t it true that you sexually harassed a Susan Sanders two months ago.
Max: That is absolutely false.
Attorney: Did you not say to her that, and I quote, “If you stopped eating five Big Macs for lunch then maybe David Hasslehoff might return your stalker calls.”
Max: You have seen Susan, right? She just eats and eats and always complains about never losing weight. I was giving her tough love. Besides, I was tired of ordering a pizza and only getting half of it when she brought it up to the studio.
Attorney: Are you not in fact a racist?
Max: Uh? Nooooooo?
Attorney: Are you making a statement or asking a question, Mr. Platinum?
Max: I`m trying to figure out who hired you for asking such a stupid question.
Attorney: Haven`t you said on many occasions on live TV you are quote “happy to be the token white guy” and “white girls are crazy.”
Max: It is called satire.
Attorney: Just answer the question, Mr. Platinum.
Max: I did, the answer is no. Are you really an attorney? Did you get your law degree from the University of Nowhere Online?
Attorney: I`m not the one on trial here, Mr. Platinum, you and your cohort are.
Max: Who? Skip? He is harmless.
Attorney: We shall soon see once I question him.
Max: Where is our lawyer anyways? Shouldn`t he be objecting to some of these questions or something?
Attorney: Don`t you know? This is an internet trial. There is no defence attorney. You are automatically guilty without proof or reason.
Max: Ugh, why did I wake up in the morning today.
2 Hours Later
Skip: Did you have to rant about the box genie again?
Max: I was getting bored of just ask and answer, ask and answer. Besides, this is an internet trial. It is not like anything I say will have any affect on people`s opinions. It is the world of Troll Man!
Skip: We`re not in the studio. You don`t need to be acting.
Max: Stan has that camera crew following us around. I figure I might as well earn my pay cheque.
Skip: Don`t you get sick of this job sometimes?
Max: Sigh I`m a laughing stock buffoon who has to result to sleeping in my own defecation and pretending there is a box genie after me to get a point across that is too subtle for the audience. Sometimes I long for the glory days of the print magazine when trolls were filtered out of existence.
Skip: The internet has become a blessing and a curse to our generation of journalists hasn`t it?
Max: We live in a world where anyone can buy a fancy domain name, learn some basic code, and write anything they want and call themselves a gaming journalist. What is sad is the public just buys it up by its apathy. Trying to find a logical, constructive debate about a topic has been replaced with cheap shots, biased review scores and shock titles to grab views and hits like a whore spreading her legs. There are no standards, no thoughts, just quick fired opinions and bringing up dirt from the past with a biased disposition that it`s intent is obvious.
Skip: The gaming industry has become it`s own worse enemy hasn`t it?
Max: Gaming companies, all of them, are as much to blame about the state of the industry today as are the gamers and journalists. It is an ever repeating cycle for trying to get as much money as possible from it`s consumers. When Sony, Microsoft, or Nintendo makes a pre-conference conference to generate massive amounts of hype for the real conference they are just feeding into this giant media machine that propagates this fanboy culture. It is no wonder I fall asleep passed out on energy drinks. I hate myself for being a part of this hypocrisy. I`m just trying to drink away my self-loathing.
Skip: We really are whores for headlines, aren`t we?
Max: We`re journalists, Skip. Journalists are all whores. All journalists need to accept that fact. They have to take it and charge a group rate for the limp, boring, mindless, half-hearted drivel that comes in their direction in the form of a constructive criticism from their work. We are different because we have standards. We`re posh whores.
Skip: Why are we on trial again anyways?
Max: People think we suck.
Skip: Why do you think it is so hard for the trolls and lackluster journalists to bring an informed opinion to a discussion or topic instead of the legion of quick-fire statements made like a bully would treat someone weaker?
Max: Trolls by their very nature are Internet bullies, Skip. They are just as dumb and their power only comes from the apathy of those who they bully. Those lackluster journalists are the bullied who get a little but of power and turn into a bully themselves. Were you ever bullied in school, Skip?
Skip: Who hasn`t?
Max: How did you fix that problem?
Skip: I punched the guy in the middle of class. I had no problem after that, except getting suspended. But it is the internet. It is not like a gaming journalist can punch someone through the screen.
Max: No, but they can talk back. One of the reasons we are living in a deluge of lackluster journalism is there are fewer people willing to stand up to trolls in an informed, constructive opinion. Sure, some have fired back with quick trollish replies of their own but it does nothing but lower the bar.
Skip: A lot of journalism is just opinion though, Max. Top 5 lists, for example, are the epitome of opinion. Shouldn`t everyone have the right to their own opinion?
Max: They should but it should also be informed, especially if it is trying to be considered a serious piece of writing. In university we have to write term papers and they are just opinions, but opinions based with facts. A teacher takes the students to task if there are obvious flaws but there is no such thing once out in the real world. Is this solely a problem for the video game industry? Absolutely not, as politics to movies have the same problem. The glaring difference is the vast majority of gaming journalism is done by unpaid, voluntary staff that do it as a hobby and don`t care or have to worry about the consequences. These same unpaid, voluntary staff also get their opinions validated by the gaming companies rewarding them with passes to their huge events, like E3, because the gaming industry needs them to pimp their wares. Like I said before it is a self-fulfilling cycle. I`m being very harsh in my statement, and some sites and journalists try to keep their standards and reputation high, but this is the internet world.
Baliff: Mr. Williams, you`ve been called to the stand.
Max: I loosened him up with the box genie. I think I could get us a not guilty by reason of insanity. You just have to talk about your ex and
we seal the deal.
Skip: I`m not bringing my personal life into this.
Max: We won`t be sent to a co-ed prison, Skip.
Skip: Sigh Fine, but I still don`t know where Saskatoon is.
Max: Aren`t you forgetting something?
Skip: In the middle of the trial? Fine, that is all the time we have for this week, fans and viewers. As always for Max Platinum, I`m Skip Williams saying good night and good gaming, live from Tokyo District Court. Join us next week when I take the stand and try to keep us from the executioner`s axe.
Max: I don`t think this is revolutionary France, Skip.
Skip: We`d have a fairer trial back then than we do now.
Missed an episode of the program? Check out the back issues to get up to speed. Want so see if the writer is just as crazy as the characters he has created? Check out his thoughts and adventures in Japan, gaming, and life on Twitter and Facebook.
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